Any Regrets?
by change-of-hearts
Summary: To think... my whole life could change all because of him. This is in the female main's point of view. Her time with Ryoji from when the met to when he revealed everything and left.


Ok I know I should be working on the next chapter of my first fanfic, but I'm currently experiencing writer's block for that one. Anywho, I started playing Persona 3 Portable about three days ago and I got to the sad part that made me cry. It inspired me to write this. It's about Ryoji and the female protagonist. I heard her names and I kind of don't like them. I'm very sorry about that. So I decided to use the name I made in the game. She's the one telling the story. She's basically remembering her relationship with Ryoji and the time they spent together all until the time he left. I had to take some scenes out so it wouldn't be super long. Enough of my rambling. To the disclaimers.

I do not own Persona 3 Portable. It would be cool if I did though.

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"So your parents don't approve of him at all?" a student asked curiously.

"Yup! It's like a forbidden love! It's so exciting!" the other answered happily.

A forbidden love…? Do they actually know what it feels like? To love someone you're not supposed to? To love someone even if it might only end up in heart ache? To continue loving that person even when they're gone? I know how it feels. I know it all too well. What do I mean by that? Well one could say I had the ultimate forbidden love. I had fallen in love with Ryoji Mochizuki. I had fallen in love with Death.

I can still remember the first day I met him. He smiled that lovable smile of his as he introduced himself to the class. Then Junpei introduced him to me. I didn't know why, but it felt like I already me him. Almost as though we knew each other for a very long time.

'_Have we met before?'_

It was like he had read my mind. I didn't know what to say so I just kept quiet. I'm not sure if, at the time, he knew what his words did to me. If I'm going to be honest with myself, I wasn't sure if I did either.

'_I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I've already decided on my princess for today.'_

When he said that and held my hand, I didn't know what I was feeling at the time. I wasn't used to feelings like that. It confused me so much. We barely knew each other and there he was saying that and holding my hand tightly. At that moment I didn't even care that the newly found Ryoji fan girls were giving me glares that could kill. He would always say the most interesting things and soon it made me hungry to hear more.

'_I thought that the world was being especially dazzling today…'_

He would always say things like that and then…

'…_Could that be because you're standing there with me?'_

He'd say something like that with a smile or a laugh. When he'd say things like that, it made me feel special. Like I was some rare, one of a kind gem that was just discovered after years of hard work and research. Soon enough we started to spend more and more time together. I started doing things I normally wouldn't do. Like the day we broke into the school and spent time together on the roof. I didn't know what to say to his words. I'm still not sure if that day was the first time he confessed his feelings for me. The only thing I could say at the time was…

"_Ok"_

We made some great and confusing memories together. Memories that are forever burned into my heart. I still remember our class trip to Kyoto. We ate green tea crepes by the river. He looked so happy, but at the same time…it looked as though he had something on his mind.

'_Why you, I wonder…?'_

I always wondered what he'd say if he found out that I asked myself the same exact question when I'm around him. Why me? Why did he want to spend time with me? Why was he so nice to me? Why did he care about so much?…Why did _I_ care about him so much? Why did I want to be around him so much? Why did I want to find the answers to all his questions so I could know too?

'_Are you the one I've been waiting for all this time…?'_

I wanted to know the same thing about him. It's true that over the time since I had transferred, I had made many new friends, but the thing is… I still felt that somewhere deep in my heart, I was lonely. Almost as if I wasn't complete. Then he came and for some strange reason, the feeling slowly started to go away. I would always ask myself why that happened. Each time I asked myself that question, it remained unanswered.

I don't know how I knew, but…even though he was happy, even though he smiled and laughed, Ryoji still seemed unhappy. The sadness and pain he felt, it was as if I could feel it in my heart. I could feel deep within my soul.

'_You have such a kind heart… You shouldn't give so much of yourself to me. I'll… probably make you sad. It's just a feeling I get… Even though you're so precious to me…It's probably wrong of me to feel this way… It's like… a forbidden love.'_

His voice trembled so much. I felt a tight pain in my heart. I wanted to say something, but…I didn't know what to say. How was I going to make him feel better? I wanted to try anything to lessen the pain in his heart.

'_Himeka-chan. Please touch me… Make sure that I exist. Feel for yourself that I'm actually here.'_

I wanted to wrap my arms around him and bring him into a hug. For some strange reason though…it was like my brain wouldn't let me. So I did the only other thing I could think of. I gently placed my hand on his.

'_Your hand is so warm… It brings tears to my eyes… Why is that? Please tell me… It's painful deep inside…'_

When he said that, it was like millions of needles going through me. He was in so much pain…and I couldn't think of anything to say. I didn't know the answer to his question. I also wanted to know. When he left I kept asking myself the same question over and over again. Why did he want to cry? Why did I?

Then, on the night of a Fullmoon, I never thought I'd hate the Dark Hour anymore then I did at that moment. I had learned everything. Ten years ago, Ryoji and Aigis fought. Aigis sealed him inside me. In a strange way…I carried him. Ryoji was Pharos…Ryoji was the Appriser…Ryoji was Death.

'_Nyx's coming cannot be avoided. But, it is possible to live in peace until she arrives. You'll have to…kill me. If I were to disappear, all memories of the Dark Hour would disappear with me, as would any recollection of the fate that awaits you. You won't remember anything.'_

I couldn't even believe what I was hearing. He… he wanted me to _kill_ him? Then I'd forget everything… even him. I didn't want that. I never wanted that. Even if it meant I would suffer. He could see that we…I wasn't able to answer just yet. We had until New Year's Eve to give him our… my answer.

Each day that went by, my heart ached more and more. Why me…? Why did _I_ have to decide? Why couldn't everything just be like it was before I learned any of this? Why did it have to be this way? Soon the day finally came and I went up to see him in my room. I was certain of my decision. It was going to be my answer from the very start. I think he knew it too.

'_Don't tell me you've all decided to let me live… You're all going to risk your lives in a battle you can't win. But, you're the only one here right now, so… I'll say this one more time. If you kill me, Tartarus, the Dark Hour, and your memories of the battles will all disappear. Tomorrow, you'll wake up a normal high school student. You'll be able to live in peace until the moment of the fall. But if you let me live , you'll spend every waking moment until that day in fear of your inevitable death. Nyx cannot be defeated… It's useless to fight her. Are you still thinking? Or, have you already made up your mind?'_

I didn't know what to say at that. For that one moment in time, his words had shaken my resolve. He cared so much as to let himself die so that I wouldn't suffer… but I couldn't do it. It frightened me more that I'd forget him. I feared that more than death.

"_No…I won't don't it. I'm not going to kill you."_

I can still remember how much my voice trembled as I said that. My heart was tight and there was a lump in my throat. It was like I was fighting back the tears I held in for so long.

'_I guess my words didn't change your mind… There's still some time until midnight. I didn't want to have to show you this… but I have no choice.'_

He had turned into something I could never imagine. However, it was like I had seen it before. He didn't look like himself anymore. No… this was his true form.

'_See…? I'm not human. I will bring death to this world until I'm finally satiated. Do not hesitate to kill me. I want you to think about this carefully. Is facing Nyx really the best decision…? Some things in this world cannot be changed. You do not understand this yet. Memories are ambiguous… Old ones can be replaced with new ones, creating a new reality. Don't you want to end all your friends' pain and suffering? It's up to you. You're the only one who can make this decision. Now, this is your last chance. Tell me your answer… Himeka… Please… kill me… I don't want you to suffer…'_

The more he said, the more it hurt me inside. If I'm going to be honest…I was being selfish. I wanted him to live so that I would never forget him. So that I wouldn't feel empty again.

"_No…! I won't… I won't do it!"_

He fell silent for a moment. Then he turned back into his human form.

'…_I understand. It's regrettable, but it's your life… You can do what you want with it. I will respect your decision… Himeka…'_

He fell silent again. Each sad sigh he let out pierced my heart. It hurt so much.

'_Let's go back to the lounge. I need to tell you guys how to confront Nyx.'_

Why was this happening? Why… why was this happening to us? Why couldn't things go back to normal?

'_Oh… I should say my farewell to you, shouldn't I? This is the last time we'll be able to speak like this… Thank you… Goodbye… And… I'm sorry… I wish we could have had more time together… It was nice. I'm glad we met… I'm glad I knew you as Ryoji Mochizuki… I'm glad we could share these last few moments together like this. Thank you…'_

Those words of goodbye hurt so much. I didn't want to say goodbye to him yet. I wanted to spend more time with him. He smiled and slipped off the ring that was on his finger. The treasure that he had gotten from Kyoto.

'_Could you… hold onto this? It's proof that I was "human," for however short a time… If you held onto it for me, I… I think I'll be able to stand it.'_

He gave me the ring and I held it tightly in my hand. I knew that I would treasure it more than anything…I _do_ treasure it more than anything. Then he said something that made me happy and hurt me more than anything at the same time.

'_I love you…'_

Those words brought tears to my eyes. It hurt so much. Why did he had to say that? Why couldn't I say that? Why…?

After our talk, we went back to the others in the lounge. Ryoji told us how to find Nyx. He also told us how long we had left. One month. It was now time for our finally goodbyes.

'_This will probably be the last time I'll see you all like this. But… I'll always be watching over you… Well, goodbye.'_

Why…? Why does it have to end like this?

'… _Goodbye, Himeka… My dearest…'_

He wished us his best wishes for the coming year. Then… he left. It hurt so much to see him go. Why did he have to go? Why couldn't he stay just a little longer? Why…?

As soon as we were done talking, I went straight to my room. It wasn't until I looked in the mirror that I realized I was crying. I cried quietly the rest of that night. I wished that all of this was just a really bad dream. Sadly, it wasn't.

"Hey, Himeka! School's done for the day. Do you want to hang out with us?" Yukari asked me with a kind smile.

I looked up to see them there… Junpei, Yukari, Fuuka, Mitsuru and Akihiko. They all stood there, looking at me with smiles on their faces.

Even though I'm still sad and I'm still in pain, I don't regret my decision. I don't regret meeting Ryoji. I don't regret being there on the bridge ten years ago. I don't regret any of it. If there is anything I do regret… it's that's I never told him how I felt. I never told him my feelings for him.

"Sure." I said with a smile of my own.

We all left the school and headed for the strip mall for some ramen. It was bright out so I shaded my eyes with my left hand. The ring that Ryoji had given me sparkled in the sun. It was so beautiful that the tears started to rise again.

I regret never telling him that I loved him.

End.

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Does it sound bad that I cried while writing this? I know that he talks a lot closed to the end, but I did that because those times that he talked were really something. I just really wanted to at least try to put it all in there. Oh and if you hadn't guessed yet, Ryoji's ring is on her ring finger. Why did I do that? I thought it was a nice touch. Was it? Did you guys like this? Please tell me what you think.


End file.
